Saturday, November 19, 2011

FB announcement

The whole writing in my blog things isn't quite going as well as I'd planned. Though I have written some awesome posts in my head. I do have plans to get them out and into the virtual world soon. I do want to make a quick announcement though. Facebook will stop forwarding my blog posts after the 22nd. I'm not sure why, but if you would like to read my blog and you usually get it from facebook you will need to come visit me at www.alibraryforme.blogspot.com.  Then you can book mark it or join or whatever your favorite way to read things is.
Thanks

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Seventy-Seven Clocks

Now a break for what this blog was originally intended for -- books! I got into these books from a recommendation and have enjoyed all of them. The series has the unique ability to blend old fashioned mysteries with modern sensibilities. They have some of the best qualities of the Agatha Christie type, all the clues are there, the reader doesn't find out long before the detective, and the book feels like a puzzle. This particular book has one of the most clever tricks I've seen in a long while.

The ability to fool and mislead a reader while not actually lying or omitting key details is a forgotten art in mysteries. I especially dislike the ones where you know who the bad guy is and you have to rely on the tension of whether they will find him on time to drive the plot. That seems like cheating to me. And books that are so formulaic that you know who the killer is just because of their function in the story are even worse. (Cozy mysteries, I'm looking at you. 95% of the time the new guy who hits on the heroine is the bad guy.)

I also enjoy the main characters, Bryant and Mays. Unapologetically elderly men who put their experience and skills to work in ways that the younger people can only try to learn. Protagonists in their 70s or older are also pretty rare. Elderly people who don't die by the end of the book are even rarer.

The writing is evocative, or at least to me, of the foggy, grimy, and above all, old city of London. It was the city as character that kept me coming back for more. Not only are the main characters old, but they have grown old in the same place. They know the town and have lived through so many changes, every corner has a memory.

I am enchanted by this sense of place. I've never lived anywhere long enough to gain that for myself. Salt Lake City is where I spent my teenage years, so it comes the closest. Yet I went away for school (only a little ways, but still) and spent 18 months away for a mission, then after marriage we moved away for good. My memories are still there, but I wasn't there to see the changes happen. We have had dreams of a permanent home for our family but that hasn't happened yet. Eight places in fourteen years isn't an unusual amount of moving, but it is enough to never live somewhere long enough to know its secrets.

I may be too old for that now. The type of exploring you do as a child and teenager is not my thing anymore. I still hope for that permanence for my children though. I don't know if where we are now will be that place. My gut says no, but that could just be negative thinking. My gut said Moab was and we see how that turned out.

So for now I read about places I've never seen and envy those who have stayed in a place long enough to know its history.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Isolation

Blogging is still proving to be difficult. I don't have much I want to say. Or perhaps I don't want to open up my mind and emotions enough to say anything.

When I get feeling down, even just the temporary times that we all get, I have "Mommy's Night Out." I go away from everyone for an evening, have a quiet meal and read or whatever in solitary silence. I almost always go home feeling refreshed and ready to actively engage in family life. My husband not only supports me but has been known to hand me the car keys and order me out of the house. He benefits from the renewal that a few hours alone brings me.

I don't know why I need alone time, I know that not everyone does. It is just one of my lovable quirks. But when things are bad I begin to take this need to a dangerous (for me) place. I long to go away, to not have to deal with any people at all. I hate leaving the house. I dread public events, even helpful ones like church. If I didn't have to leave to take children to school, to buy food, to go to church, it would be so easy to never go outside.

People are hard to deal with. I tend to always have the feeling I might do or say something wrong at any time. With most people or groups I get over this fairly quickly but large unstructured events are always vaguely uncomfortable. Having to mingle on a regular basis would be torture. Marrying an incredibly gregarious man has helped. Being older and a bit more self confident is nice. Depression sends all of the gains I have made into the toilet and I am a fat, awkward teenager with zits and ugly clothes being judged everywhere I go.

My brain tells me this isn't true, but my emotions haven't been listening much.

This is one of the main reasons becoming closer to Christ is one of my goals. We are constantly told not to compare ourselves with others. That the only opinion that really matters is God's. I wish I understood why that counsel is so hard to follow. When I am feeling right I can also feel my own worth as a daughter of God. I can list the things I do that are of worth. I can even remember that the people who judge me solely on my looks are not people I would enjoy being around anyway.

Sometimes depression feels like the world taking over my subconscious. My rational brain tells me everything right and good and underneath I feel all the wrong things that media and other sources have been telling me since I was old enough to understand their messages. I need to pull back, to spend less time hearing the world and more time feeling the Spirit.

This is the alone time I need and crave, but so often I forget that this is why I need it. As I start to remember I can also start to hear and feel the good influences seep back into my soul. Then maybe I will be ready to socialize again.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Climbing Out

I have been away from the blog for a while. I have been fighting a bout of depression that struck suddenly and deeply. The best analogy is walking along, minding your own business and then falling in a deep hole. I think I know the catalyst, but the deepness of this bout shows me that it was lurking for a while.
In the interest of keeping my goals, I am going to write a bit of what I am going to do to help myself get out. Obviously I am doing a bit better or I wouldn't even be writing this. So one thing is to keep writing on a regular basis. I will exercise every day but Sunday. If I can achieve this for the whole month of November I will buy a new camera. My sweet husband doesn't know this yet. But I needed a goal that I really wanted yet wouldn't just go out and get myself. And scriptures and prayer will be a number one priority.
I keep thinking of the little poster that says "If you want to do it you will find a way. If you don't want it you will find an excuse." While that may not be the uplifting type of saying to help with depression it does help me to remember how badly I want to function again.
I feel all wrong in my head. My emotions out of control and my decision making ability out of whack. By getting up in the morning, saying prayers and exercising I can begin the day with unequivocally good choices. That gives me momentum to get through the day. See, it worked today!
It feels weird to be so open in a blog post, I usually try to keep things at a distance, but this is the closest thing I have to a journal right now and so here I am, baring my pain to the world, or at least the small section of it that reads this. Be kind and patient. I should be better relatively quickly. These episodes end relatively quickly once I get to the end, it is the duration I am never sure of.
Time to de-stickify N. again. Halloween candy spreads an amazing distance when diluted with toddler spit.