Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Climbing Out

I have been away from the blog for a while. I have been fighting a bout of depression that struck suddenly and deeply. The best analogy is walking along, minding your own business and then falling in a deep hole. I think I know the catalyst, but the deepness of this bout shows me that it was lurking for a while.
In the interest of keeping my goals, I am going to write a bit of what I am going to do to help myself get out. Obviously I am doing a bit better or I wouldn't even be writing this. So one thing is to keep writing on a regular basis. I will exercise every day but Sunday. If I can achieve this for the whole month of November I will buy a new camera. My sweet husband doesn't know this yet. But I needed a goal that I really wanted yet wouldn't just go out and get myself. And scriptures and prayer will be a number one priority.
I keep thinking of the little poster that says "If you want to do it you will find a way. If you don't want it you will find an excuse." While that may not be the uplifting type of saying to help with depression it does help me to remember how badly I want to function again.
I feel all wrong in my head. My emotions out of control and my decision making ability out of whack. By getting up in the morning, saying prayers and exercising I can begin the day with unequivocally good choices. That gives me momentum to get through the day. See, it worked today!
It feels weird to be so open in a blog post, I usually try to keep things at a distance, but this is the closest thing I have to a journal right now and so here I am, baring my pain to the world, or at least the small section of it that reads this. Be kind and patient. I should be better relatively quickly. These episodes end relatively quickly once I get to the end, it is the duration I am never sure of.
Time to de-stickify N. again. Halloween candy spreads an amazing distance when diluted with toddler spit.

1 comment:

jendoop said...

First I'll say I'm sorry, you have a lot to deal with so it is understandable to be overwhelmed, which can quickly tumble down to depression. Do you need to see a Dr.? It's not all about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

Then I'll say that I'm sad and a little mad that you didn't talk to me about this. Being open and honest with those that love you is a good place to start too. From my experience not talking about dark feelings is the best way to multiply them.

If it's hard to say the words on the phone then email/blog works well, but isn't quite as therapeutic. There is something about verbalizing the ugliness, when it sees the light of day it withers.

I love you!