Thursday, November 3, 2011

Isolation

Blogging is still proving to be difficult. I don't have much I want to say. Or perhaps I don't want to open up my mind and emotions enough to say anything.

When I get feeling down, even just the temporary times that we all get, I have "Mommy's Night Out." I go away from everyone for an evening, have a quiet meal and read or whatever in solitary silence. I almost always go home feeling refreshed and ready to actively engage in family life. My husband not only supports me but has been known to hand me the car keys and order me out of the house. He benefits from the renewal that a few hours alone brings me.

I don't know why I need alone time, I know that not everyone does. It is just one of my lovable quirks. But when things are bad I begin to take this need to a dangerous (for me) place. I long to go away, to not have to deal with any people at all. I hate leaving the house. I dread public events, even helpful ones like church. If I didn't have to leave to take children to school, to buy food, to go to church, it would be so easy to never go outside.

People are hard to deal with. I tend to always have the feeling I might do or say something wrong at any time. With most people or groups I get over this fairly quickly but large unstructured events are always vaguely uncomfortable. Having to mingle on a regular basis would be torture. Marrying an incredibly gregarious man has helped. Being older and a bit more self confident is nice. Depression sends all of the gains I have made into the toilet and I am a fat, awkward teenager with zits and ugly clothes being judged everywhere I go.

My brain tells me this isn't true, but my emotions haven't been listening much.

This is one of the main reasons becoming closer to Christ is one of my goals. We are constantly told not to compare ourselves with others. That the only opinion that really matters is God's. I wish I understood why that counsel is so hard to follow. When I am feeling right I can also feel my own worth as a daughter of God. I can list the things I do that are of worth. I can even remember that the people who judge me solely on my looks are not people I would enjoy being around anyway.

Sometimes depression feels like the world taking over my subconscious. My rational brain tells me everything right and good and underneath I feel all the wrong things that media and other sources have been telling me since I was old enough to understand their messages. I need to pull back, to spend less time hearing the world and more time feeling the Spirit.

This is the alone time I need and crave, but so often I forget that this is why I need it. As I start to remember I can also start to hear and feel the good influences seep back into my soul. Then maybe I will be ready to socialize again.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow, you have really written a great post describing exactly the way I feel sometimes!

I hope you are feeling lighter and happier soon.

jendoop said...

Hopefully, if you're not ready to let things out here, you'll let them out somewhere. When my depression was ugly I wrote ugliness in a journal and then burned it. It was cathartic in a way I underestimated.

I am more of an extrovert than you, but we all need people. Looking at Christ, and how his church is structured, it says something about our need for each other.

If I remember that 95% of people feel socially awkward, it helps me to reach out in a crowd. Break down the crowd in your mind to individual faces, talk to the one that looks as uncomfortable as you feel. Someone out there needs your friendship.

Actually I do! I really appreciate the many great aspects of your personality- smart but still family focused, loves books, willing to think deep, easy going... I'll stop because I know you weren't fishing for compliments.

love you