Thursday, September 3, 2015

Returning to me

I have been released from "Baby Jail," as my sister-in-law calls it. My littlest started kindergarten and now I have hours of time to do whatever I want. I never expected this to cause an emotional crisis.
I have been Mom for so long that I don't quite know what to do with myself. Naps only go so far before you have to decide what you want to do. I made a list of all the things I have thought about doing during this time:

  • strip and repaint two bathrooms
  • go back to school to finish my math or physics degrees
  • go back and get a masters in Information Sciences (librarian)
  • volunteer at the elementary school
  • volunteer at the middle school
  • volunteer at the high school
  • volunteer at the library
  • pick up a part time job
  • pick up on my writing (look doing this one!)
  • exercise every morning
  • at least an hour of house cleaning
  • get my home library in order
  • family history work
  • be more social 
  • study some topics with online courses, math and computer science mostly
  • binge watch the shows I haven't had a chance to 
  • work on the huge cross-stitch picture I've started for my oldest
  • get our finances in order, with a working budget
  • be rested and happy when the kids get home so we can have quality time
  • bake/cook so the kids will have nutritious snacks when they get home
  • read and study my scriptures for longer 
  • read the scriptures in Spanish to improve my abilities in that language
  • read the scriptures in Portuguese just because
  • learn how to play the piano
  • make a family home evening chart out of wood instead of the poster board and sticky note one we don't use now
  • plan out family home evenings ahead of time
  • pretend that I'm not going back to bed when David leaves so he won't feel bad about going to work
As you can see, I have enough goals for ten years worth of home alone time. My look before you leap tendency is having a crisis. Which of all of these things is the most important? What should I be doing and what can be put off until later? And what should I take off the list altogether?
What I really feel like doing is stay in bed and watch back episodes of NCIS while I drink Dr Pepper and eat Cheetos. I have resisted this. I haven't bought any Cheetos and I watch Netflix on the couch.
I will start the blog again. Perhaps forced labor will get my brain excited again. Perhaps writing about my own thoughts will bring back my own personality that has been attached to the children for so long. I don't think this was/is a bad thing. Being a mother is more important than any kind of self-serving thing I could be doing. But I have reached a point where mothering no longer requires everything I have. I need to discover the rest of me.

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